July 19, 2012

How Stephenie Meyer Got Me Laid

Giacomo and Slick

Creating Characters to Die For

I wanted to dedicate this post to Stephenie Meyer, the wonder-woman mom who kicked off an unbelievable surge in young-adult reading. In the process she sold a gazillion copies of her books to teenagers and women all over the world. Some guys too. (Hand raised)

A lot has been written about Stephenie, so much that I didn’t know if I could add anything useful. Then I thought about something. I owe her—big-time. Not for writing the Twilight Series and keeping my wife occupied for countless nights while she read them over and over again. And not for having the series made into movies, which my wife watched over and over and over again. And not even for inspiring a gazillion young people to actually read. No, I want to thank Stephenie for a far more selfish reason—getting my wife to bed—with me!

The Setup

When you’ve been married as long as I have, you will do anything that might lead to a romantic evening. Anything. For almost a week, which seemed like months, I tried to lure my wife to bed before she got sleepy. But alas, she was mesmerized by the charming Edward and his endless love for Bella. I tried to tell her that Edward was just a horny vampire, and all he wanted was the same thing every man wants. She wouldn’t hear of it; in fact, that comment earned me several days in the dog house.

While nursing my bruised ego, I got an idea. I rushed over to the twifans.com website and got one of these masks.

 The Result

Mask of Edward Cullen from Twilight

Edward Cullen Mask

After coaxing my wife to drink a few glasses of wine, I donned the mask and, as suavely as I could, invited her to join me in the bedroom. Once the laughter subsided, we had an amorous evening together.

Despite being overjoyed, I was a little miffed that it took an Edward Cullen mask to seduce my own wife.

This ploy worked for several nights, and might have kept working if I hadn’t made a grave mistake—I brought home a Salma Hayek mask for my wife to wear. That put an end to our nightly sessions.


Bottom Line

This story isn’t about me, or my good fortune. It’s about Stephenie Meyer and how she created a story and characters that got tens of millions of people involved. I have seen many people bash her writing, but when all is said and done, no one can deny the facts—she told a story that inspired a hell of a lot of readers. For that, she deserves credit. As a writer, I don’t think there can be any greater reward. Thanks, Stephenie.




PS. Stephenie, please hurry and get me another character I can use.


Giacomo Giammatteo is the author of Murder Takes Time, and A Bullet For Carlos.
He lives in Texas where he and his wife have an animal sanctuary with 41 loving “friends.”

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4 Responses to “How Stephenie Meyer Got Me Laid”

  1. Re: I brought home a Salma Hayek mask for my wife to wear.

    Aw, Jim. You know better than that. That’s a rookie mistake. LOL.

  2. You’re right. Won’t happen again.

  3. Jim,
    Met up with Barbara H. from the old neighborhood and she told me about your book. Just ordered a copy from Amazon. The audio trailer was very good. Your stories about the snakes and the Edward Cullen mask were funny. Always glad to celebrate the success of an old friend. If your books ever get made into a movie I have a son who is an amazing actor.
    All the best,

  4. Mary: So nice to hear from you. We had a lot of fun in that neighborhood, didn’t we? And let me know what you think of the book when you finish. Be warned, though, lots of language and violence.

    Thanks again for getting in touch, and have a great weekend,


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